The Myth of Independent Living

by Robert Woolner and Vanessa Magee, Gateway Administrative Services Inc., March 26, 2002

Frequently, we read gushing articles about elderly people living independently and happily in their homes with the assistance of cheerful and helpful home helpers provided by a benevolent and generous government that provides a “safety net” for all, from cradle to the grave.  The myth and the reality are often worlds apart and the reality is worse than most of us want to think about. Even if they are lucky enough to land home care help from some government or private agency, the elderly are often living lives of isolation, fear and loneliness.  This myth of independent living foisted on us by journalistic cheerleaders is a denial of the aging process.  It discourages us, as older people, from making wise decisions about our living arrangements: decisions which would allow us to live fuller lives while receiving the support that is so vital to living a healthy and happy life. 

One day Mary came to the realization that no time would ever be right to move from her house so she started planning her strategy.  She started checking out retirement homes. Mary realized that with the money from the house proceeds and its income along with her pensions she would have more than sufficient to  pay for her move to the  retirement home.  After Mary was accepted by the retirement home she listed her house for sale, called her children up and told them they had two weeks to take out any items that they wanted that were not going with her to the retirement home. The children were in shock: a part of their lives was coming to an end too.  However, after they got over the shock they were relieved: they had worried about their mother living alone in the large, old but beloved family home.

When Mary moved into the retirement home she found there was lots for her to do, including volunteer work. She felt happy, secure and useful.  Letting go she discovered, was not giving up: it meant moving on. As Mary observed the first big snow storm of the season from the comfort of her window, she knew that she had made the right decision. Furthermore, she was still able to get to many of her activities without having to go outside.

John, also a widower, on the other hand, did not have the same practical sense that Mary had.  His children worried about him constantly but they did not speak up. “You’ll have to carry me out of here feet first” he would always boast.  He too lived in a large house and except for the thrice weekly meals on wheels he did his own cooking. 

When his meals on wheels were delivered he would stumble to the door over the bags and newspapers that he was always going to remove and clean up “later”. Somehow or other he did manage to pay his bills.  However many of his term investments had come due and he never seemed to get the stuff reinvested.   His quality of life was quite simply the “pits” but his children bragged how their “old man” was still “going strong” and living on his own. 

John had a stroke one evening (or so they guessed).  He was found three days later. He was still alive but in quite a mess.  He was hospitalized, confined to a wheel chair and went to a nursing home.  The doctor said that if he had been found sooner the brain damage would not have been as extensive and he would have been able to walk again.   But as John always said “they’ll have to take me out of here feet first” and they did.

 Unfortunately John’s story seems to be more common than Mary’s story.  Change and transition are encouraged in the young but in the elderly it seems to be actively discouraged   Change is important in all stages of life and society’s reluctance to encourage this in the elderly seems to be a direct denial of the aging process.  Somehow or other, if we live independently, we will never get old, we will never die.

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